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51. Letting go
This week has been full of highs and lows, a rollercoaster of emotions. I started out the week studying for the GRE hardcore because my test was on Thursday. I was starting to freak out a little more and be more anxious about the whole thing, playing the terrible mental game of “what if’s” and thinking of worst case scenarios. But Tuesday, I went to AACF’s Summer meeting and we studied the passage when God tests Abraham, asking him to sacrifice his only son, Isaac. And Abraham obeys. No questions. No hesitations. His faith is so strong in God that He is faithful to His promises. Studying this passage reminded me of who God is and how I don’t need to be so nervous about the GRE and all the consequences of how I do on the test. I had a convo with God surrendering my anxiety and my expectations of the GRE to Him. Whatever my score, whatever happens, even if my plans are changed, I have faith He will provide and that He has a plan for me. And praise God, I did better than expected!
That was Thursday. Fast forward to Friday morning. A friend starts talking to me about classes at community colleges, and I randomly decide to look up the classes I still need to take (anatomy & physio). I happen to stumble on the detail that anatomy is a prereq for physio, meaning I can’t take them simultaneously like I had planned, and can’t apply to one of the grad programs that starts in January like I intended. This pretty much rocked me because my plan of applying and going to grad school in January was messed up. I had a mini meltdown, tears and all. I was so mad that I had overlooked such an important detail, and so mad that all my careful planning was flawed and my plans of possibly starting school in January were out the window. Long story short, I messed up. I can’t blame anyone else but myself. Fortunately there are a few options I’m trying to figure out, but it’s still not resolved. Basically, I need a lot of prayer and faith that somehow I’ll get into physio. I gave myself a few hours to be upset, but I started to own up that I make mistakes. I can overlook details. I don’t have complete control over everything. And honestly, it was hard to swallow, and it still makes me sad that I messed this up. But I thought about the passage with Abraham and Isaac, and how I made a conscious decision to give the GRE up to God, being content with the outcome. This unfortunate situation is no different. Whether or not I do get into physio, or whether or not I postpone my grad school plans back a year or whatever it may be, I know that God is faithful. Life is so much less stressful knowing I’m not the one in control. That I don’t have to have it all together.
Last night, we had worship practice for Sunday, and we played “All For You” by Starfield, and this one part of the song spoke directly to me. This is the prayer I need to be praying:
What is it in me
That hangs on for so long
Why do I fight the tears that come?
I work so hard to
Keep in control when
All that I want is to let go
I’ll take this life
And lay it down
I’m letting go
I’m letting go
My hopes and dreams
Here at Your feet
I’m letting go
I’m letting goHis plans are higher than mine. Whatever happens happens. It sucks, but I know He is in control. And I’m so thankful I am not.
